


I Can't Do This

by reigningqueenofwords



Series: Outside Looking In [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-29 07:36:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17803778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reigningqueenofwords/pseuds/reigningqueenofwords





	I Can't Do This

It had been two months since Sam had gone to hell. Two months of a weird silence taking over the bunker. Two months of waking up to see his side of the bed empty. It felt like it was just yesterday that you held him. But it wasn’t, he was gone.

You had been sleeping more, but you figured that you were depressed. Dean hadn’t mentioned it, being in his own little world. Your appetite had been weird lately, as well. You weren’t all that hungry, and when you were, you only wanted certain foods. There had been more than one night where you woke up and ended up finishing off Dean’s pie. That he did mention, but only in passing. You had felt slightly bloated, and thought that was simply you’re poor eating habits and not sleeping well.

It wasn’t until you were cleaning your bathroom and saw an unopened box of tampons that it hit you. You hadn’t had a period since before Sam went to hell. Your heart clenched. It was stress. That’s all it was. There was no way you were pregnant. You had to be sure, though. Grabbing your keys, you made your way to your car. Thankfully, Dean was under Baby at the moment and couldn’t see your face. 

When you returned, bag clutched tightly in your hand, you were nearly shaking. Dean was nowhere in sight, but you knew he was home. You ducked into the bathroom and sighed. Looking in the mirror, you could see the differences in how you looked. It took yourself ten minutes to finally convince yourself to take the damn test.

The box said that you needed to wait three minutes. You didn’t have to. A little plus sign popped up almost immediately. Your stomach dropped, and you started to cry. Sitting on the floor, you held your knees to your chest. You had no idea how long you sat like that, your mind racing. You were three months pregnant. With Sam’s child. Who was in hell. 

Hearing a knock on the door, you jumped. “Y/N? You okay?” Dean sounded worried. He hadn’t heard you cry since a couple weeks after the fact. Since you’d been pretty quiet and reserved. You didn’t answer him, which made him worry more. “I’m coming in.” This way you had warning. He stepped in and saw you on the ground. He crouched in front of you, and his eyes looked so sad. “What’s wrong?” His voice was soft. You had the test tucked to your chest, so he couldn’t see at the moment. Your hand was shaking as you showed him. “Is this what I _think_ it is?” 

“I can’t do this.” You whispered.

He pulled you into a hug. “Yes, you can. I’m here.” Dean told you, rubbing your back. “It’ll be hard, there will be bad days, but I’m your rock.” His voice was soothing.

That was six months ago. Your friendship had morphed over time. He’d taken to making midnight runs for whatever you were craving, dealing with any emotional mood swings when they came up, and held you when you were falling apart. You still missed Sam dearly, but you were now able to function. Dean had helped you through, and you helped him. You weren’t sure when it happened, but your rooms had merged together. You’d gone from simply caring for Dean, to _loving_ him.

Your heart would always miss Sam, you would always love him, but you’d accepted that he was gone. Your heart swelled as you watched Dean attempt to put together the crib that you’d bought two months ago. And been asking him to put together since. He kept saying that he had plenty of time. Now he was scrambling, knowing that you were due any day now. You gently rubbed your large belly, rocking gently in the chair. He had it mostly put together, but he refused to take a break.

Dean glanced over to you, his eyes radiating pure love. He’d taken up the role he shouldn’t have had to. “How ya feeling?” He asked you, looking back to the crib.

You shrugged. “The same as I was an _hour_ ago.” You teased gently. “Why don’t you take a break? Come watch a movie with me and my large self?” Which translated to you nodding off while he rubbed your back.

“Give me five minutes, okay?” He smiled. “That way it’s at least done. There’s no telling when the little dude will want to grace us with his presence.” You had found out that you were having a boy a few months ago, and Dean had talked about it the whole way home. He talked about playing catch, showing him all about cars, and anything else that popped in his head. You couldn’t agree on a name, however. He wanted something classic, but tough. You’d vetoed James right off the bat. You just didn’t like it. He’d pouted for a day because ‘James Dean’. After a bit, he moved on. You’d agreed that the middle name would be Samuel, however. _That_ was the easy part.

Chuckling, you nodded. “Fine.” You watched as his muscles moved under his shirt. “I was thinking about names.” You started, earning an ‘uh huh’. “I like Harper and Lennox.” Your eyes were on your stomach. This baby seriously needed a name.

Dean paused. “Lennox Samuel Winchester.” He let it roll off his tongue a few times. “That’s not too bad. Lennox _does_ sound pretty badass.” He smirked.

You rolled your eyes. “I wasn’t going on ’ _badass_ ’, Dean.” Of course that was something that he wanted to think of. “I was going on I like it, and you happen to agree.” After probably close to a hundred names, it was about damn time.

“ _Still_ not digging Harrison, huh?” He asked, finishing up.

He’d been on Harrison for the past month. “How about this. We hold on to both names. Let’s see what seems to suit him when he’s here?” You’d heard of parents doing that, why not you guys?

He grinned at you. Getting up, he held out his hand for you. “ _Deal_. I still say my little guy is a Harrison.” He joked.

An hour later you were on your side, asleep. You went to roll over and realized that Dean was gone. “Dean?” You yawned, sitting up. Hearing your stomach grumble, you got out of bed and headed to the kitchen. You thought you were going insane, hearing a voice you never thought you would hear again.

“Dean, she’s _my_ girlfriend! I deserve to see her!” You heard Sam yell. Something was off. It didn’t sound like it was completely him. You opted to stay as hidden as you could, wanting to know what the hell was going on.

“No, she’s _not_ , Sam.” Dean was livid, you could tell. “For _two months_ after you went to hell she would barely eat, barely sleep, she wasn’t herself. You would have barely recognized her. Then she found out she’s pregnant.” You heard Sam inhale sharply. “I _promised_ her I would be there for her. We’ve grown closer over time. I love her, and she hasn’t said it, but I’m _sure_ she loves me, too.”

You decided at that moment to step into the room, not wanting things to get violent. “Hi, Sam.” Your voice was soft. When he looked at you, your heart clenched. You could tell it wasn’t your Sam. “Dean’s right. I mourned you. I will _always_ love you, but I’m _in love_ with Dean.” Your eyes were watering, this was beyond difficult. “I _want_ you in his life. I _want_ you to be there for him, don’t get me wrong.” Dean moved over and took your hand.

Sam didn’t even look all that phased. He shoved his hands in his pockets. What had happened? He had sounded so passionate when he claimed you as his girlfriend just minutes ago. Was that an act? “You’re having a boy?” He asked. You nodded slowly. “What’s his name?”

Hearing how cold he was, you were thankful to have Dean. “Harrison.” You said proudly. Dean beamed.

“ _Well_ , best of luck to you two, and Harrison. I guess it was a mistake to come back.” He said, moving to walk out the other door. “One Winchester is out of the picture, you move to the next one?” His voice made your stomach drop.

You and Dean watched him go. He moved in front of you, using his thumbs to wipe your tears. “Don’t worry. We’ll raise this baby, and I’ll treat him like my own. Sam doesn’t know what he’s missing.” Dean didn’t know what had happened to Sam down there, but he knew that he’d have to find out. Just not this second.

“He is _yours_ , Dean.” You gave him a sad smile. “He’s been your since the moment you decided to start making midnight runs for me, started sharing your pie, dealt with my emotional issues, and when you started slowly moving my things into your room. Harrison is your son, Dean. I won’t lie to him, he’ll know the truth about Sam. But. He’ll _also_ know that he has the best damn Dad he could hope for. The one who will show him how to play catch, how to work on cars, and how to shoot a 9mm.” You teased. “But, that last one needs to wait awhile. No playing with guns until he’s at _least_ ten.” You weren’t stupid. You knew the dangers. You knew the price of their blood line. However, that didn’t mean that this child needed to have his childhood ripped away.

“ _Deal_.” He smirked, leaning down to kiss you. After a moment, he pulled away, resting his forehead on yours. “I love you, Y/N.” He whispered.

You smiled. “And I love you.” You let out a small sigh. “Feel like making me something to eat?” You both laughed as he nodded.

That night, you woke up to a tightening in your stomach. Breathing through it, you tried to go back to sleep, but failed. As slowly as you could, you slipped out of bed. Once you were standing, you felt a gush. “Dean?” Your voice was shaky. “Damn it, _Dean_!” He shot up, and you couldn’t help but giggle as his bed head. “My water broke.”

The next twenty four hours seemed to drag on. Between Dean running around the bunker making sure you had everything, the long drive to the hospital (in a more family friendly car he had fixed up), and the pains of labor, you were ready for this to be over. Dean stayed by your side, holding your hand, even cracking jokes for you. After you had the epidural, things seemed to ease up.

When it was time to push, you looked at him with fear in your eyes. “You think we can do this?” You asked.

He grinned. “We got this, sweetheart.” Those words made your fear dissolve. For now. You were sure that it would come back when you were back at the bunker. Two hours later, Harrison took his first breath. Hearing that scream, you let out a sigh. Your hair stuck to your forehead as you saw Dean cut the cord.

You only had to stay in the hospital a couple days, and then you were on your way home. Dean was a natural with Harrison, and you loved watching them together. He always wanted to hold him, surprising you even more. You had him carry him in the house, and lagged behind a bit, just to watch Dean hold his son.


End file.
